Homage to My Reservoir Dogs

Pinky, you on?

 

uh, yes i am here

 

Hey, why have you not alerted anyone to the UFP Leviathan coming towards our blob?

 

ufp? leviathan? blob?

 

Pinky, what the hell is wrong with you? You had the comm and it was your job to alert us if any guilds were stupid enough to try and hit our blob on New Year’s Eve. Carspoul used his jumpgate over four hours ago. You should have texted everyone.

 

uh, sorry. i was…occupied

 

WTF do you mean, occupied? Pinky, I don’t know what is up with you tonight, but you found the wrong night to be messin around. Everyone is offline partying and since the Ball is about to drop, I am sure everyone is pretty much good and drunk. You had volunteered to be the comm. You know, Black won’t be happy tomorrow after he gets over his hangover.

 

uh, when you say black, you mean mr black?

 

Yes, who else would I mean? Are you sure you aren’t drunk also? Listen, you got about 40 minutes before Carspoul’s Leviathan lands so you gotta log on everyone’s account and put their spaceboats in the air. It’s too late to try and text everybody, in case they can’t get online.

 

MR. PINK
log on? and how would i do that?

MR. MAGENTA
Pink, you are starting to really get on my nerves tonight. You have the comm, so quit fuckin around, everyone’s logon codes should be in the hyperlink that Black emailed you last night.

MR. PINK
okay, there is a problem though, son, i am not mr pink

MR. MAGENTA
WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU’RE NOT MR. PINK? Who the hell are you and why are you on Pinky’s computer?

MR. PINK
i am his father, son. would you please watch your language with me? i dun need one of my son’s 12 year old friends talking to me like this. phillip hurt himself today on his bike and is still at the hospital

MR. MAGENTA
12 year old? Dude, I’m 29. Everyone in RD is over 25. I don’t know who the hell you are or who Phillip is, but if this is some joke, Pinky, it’s not funny. Just start moving everyone’s spaceboats before they get derbed by Carspoul.

MR. PINK
like i told you son, phillip is still at the hospital with the missus. he is okay now, but they are casting up his foot. he should be home in a few hours. he told me to come home and logon to make sure everything is okay. i dun know anything about this game, but you are sure taking it a little too serious, dun you think?

MR. MAGENTA
THIS IS NOT JUST A GAME!!! These are accounts we have been building for years! I don’t fuckin believe this is happening. We are about to get derbed by UFP. Do you know how embarrassing it will be when the whole server sees that half the Reservoir Dogs fleet got wiped out by the United Federation of Planets? I mean, we are known as the Space Ninjas. We do the derbing, not vice versa!

MR. PINK
well, let me help out. please call me nigel

MR. MAGENTA
Nigel? What the hell kind of name is that?

MR. PINK
i am British, son. phillip tells me that his guildmates from this game are from america?

MR. MAGENTA
Yes. For the most part, RD are from the US of A, except for Red, he’s Czech, and Azure, he’s Dutch. So you’re telling me that Pinky is a 12 year old English kid? He told us he was an Intelligence Officer in the US Army for crissakes! This is absolutely nuts.

MR. PINK
sorry, son, my boy phillip is 12 years old and still sleeps with the missus when he gets nightmares

MR. MAGENTA
This is hard for me to get my head around. Pinky is one of our best gamers online, and understands ratios like no other. And you are telling me he is a 12 year old?

MR. PINK
heh, yes, that sounds like our phillip. so tell me more about this game. why are you guys all colours?

MR. MAGENTA
We all love the movie, and the anonymity of the colors. Mr. Blue, Mr. Brass, Ms. Yellow, Mr. Hunter Green, Mr. Pearly Whites. We’re the #1 ranked guild in the world.

MR. PINK
i see. ms. yellow. and you also have women players too? are they really women?

MR. MAGENTA
Well up until tonight I would have told you yes. Now you’re making me wonder about the naked pictures Ms. Yellow sent me last night. Crap! Anyway, umm Nigel, we will need your help on moving everyone’s spaceboats that is in the blob.

MR. PINK
okay, mate. but i thought you guys were the best spacepilots in the server. and this is only one player named carspoul. what is the problem?

MR. MAGENTA
The problem is Carspoul is about to land in less than 40 minutes with a Leviathan. The only ships that can take out a Leviathan are the Heavy Cruisers. All our HC specialists, including my fleet, jumped into the Helion galaxy over 12 hours ago to hunt DREAD’s Leviathans.

MR. PINK
dread?

MR. MAGENTA
That’s one of our rival guilds. We’re actually the most feared space pilots in the server, and we already planned to derb their whole fleet of Leviathans for a New Year’s Day Massacre. The only spaceboats left on our blob are frigates, fighters, and cruisers. Plus everybody’s recyclers. That one UFP Leviathan will make mince meat of the whole blob.

MR. PINK
what is a blob?

MR. MAGENTA
A blob is where we all gather our spaceboats on one planet and blob up. It’s a way of protection for players that are offline.

MR. PINK
okay, i think i kind of get it. what do you need me to do?

MR. MAGENTA
You have to log on everyone’s accounts and move the spaceboats. Make us disappear like the space ninjas we are.

MR. PINK
but how do i log on everyone’s accounts? what are their logon codes?

MR. MAGENTA
It’s on the link that Black sent you on the email. But remember before you do that, you have to change your IP Address each time, or they will penalize us for cheating and for having multiple accounts.

MR. PINK
i am confused. ip addresses? cheating? multiple accounts? i dun know what you are talking about. can’t you just do it, mr magenta?

 MR. MAGENTA
I can’t or I would have already! I am on my phone, and so only a landline computer can scramble the IP addresses. Listen, call me at this number and we will try to fix this whole clusterfuck. I can walk you through it better over the phone.

MR. PINK
okay, mr magenta, i shall call you right now